I woke up feeling sad again. Days feel lonely after leaving my “partnership” behind…that’s the right terminology for it, right? Not quite a relationship but so much more than just friends. I decided to try to get out of my funk I would visit the mall as I do on most days off. I have no best friends out here so I find some comfort in visiting places like Sephora where my face is recognized. I just crave that human interaction.
As I walked to Target I started to feel like I was in a daze. Maybe I drank too much caffeine? Maybe I got stuck in my head for a minute thinking about my recent break up? Maybe it’s just one of those days? I kept myself grounded and just shopped around as a distraction. I found a few cute decorations for my room and a cute, new comforter. I figured I have enough books for right now so I didn’t buy anymore of those. Plus it’s kind of hard to read when I feel like this.
So after I got home I began to cry a little while talking to my parents. I just realized how much I miss my ex sweetheart. But I knew deep down that I made the right decision because it has gotten to a bad place. Plus he has done nothing but ditch me every weekend to hangout with his mom who he lives with and works with. So in my mind it’s like he never sees me yet he never tries. Today I almost gave into my emotions when he sent me an “I miss you” text..I just wanted to Facetime him and end this feeling of loss and loneliness. As we talked though and discussed how he wasn’t going to make plans with me between today and Sunday because he has an eye appointment on Saturday? I thought to myself this is exactly why I left…nothing ever makes sense and he misses me so much that apparently he doesn’t want to see me? I think it’s safe to say that next time I won’t fall into the trap of texting back. Whats done is done. And I’ll end this post with a poem that really speaks to me right now…
“You call to tell me you miss me
I turn to face the front door of the home
Waiting for a knock
days later you call to say you need me
but still aren’t here
the dandelions on the lawn
are rolling their eyes in disappointment
the grass has declared you yesterday’s news
what do I care
if you love me
or miss me
or need me
when you aren’t doing anything about it
if i’m not the love of your life
i’ll be the greatest loss instead”
Update: I sent this poem to him and he said it doesn’t apply to us. I’m just utterly disgusted.